This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

…such as a cure for Cancer.

You see, scientists recently completed a study that used various algorithms and research and doodads and whatnots to come up with some advanced findings in the all-important field of Housewife Porn.

Yes, ladies, you can finally unclench your kegel muscles — the geeks at the University of Central Lancashire in Britain, led by Dr. Faye Skelton, have used actual SCIENCE to determine what fictional S&M gazillionaire and underage torture connoisseur Christian Grey looks like. I kid you not!

You have to admit… he has a sexy asschin.

We can finally rest tonight, Earth. Science has finally broken through the barrier in the hard-fought battle against imagination! Now no woman will go to bed having to worry about whether or not her version of Christian Grey, the one she thinks about when she’s having sex with her husband/boyfriend/vibrator, is scientifically accurate or not. Dr. Skelton apparently quizzed twelve women who read the book on what they thought the fictional lead looked like. A whole dozen women and one expensive version of police sketch artist software later, the world was given the very first glimpse of what science has determined to be the world’s steamiest fake person. That sounds more more like a dozen shades of sad than fifty shades of anything if you ask me.

It is alternately infuriating and depressing that time, and what was certainly University money, was used to fund such a ridiculous study. I thought we had it bad in the States, but its great to know that the chaps in the UK are just as wasteful with not only money but time and resources in studying such pointless things as….(deep breath)….FIGURING OUT WHAT A FICTIONAL F&$^@KING CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE!!!!

The results of the study were shocking! The descriptions of Grey from the twelve-woman focus group ranged from “Patrick Dempsey’s eyes” to “Brad Pitt’s jaw” to a virtual smorgasbord of body parts from other actors and celebrities the like of Johnny Depp, Channing Tatum, and David Beckham. Oddly, not one woman picked Patton Oswalt’s nose or Henry Winkler’s thumb.

It’s like James Dean had sex with Miss Piggy

You want to know a cheap, easy way of figuring out what he would have looked like if Christian Grey was real? How about asking the goddamn author!?! You know, the one who originally wrote the book as Twilight fan fiction porn and then just changed Edward and Bella’s names to Christian and Ana. And yes, I’m being 100% serious! E.L James originally wrote “Master of the Universe” under the brilliant pen name of Snowqueens Icedragon, and it was about everyone’s favorite sparkly vampire and his love affair with the world’s most famous Mary-Sue character. But when it got too sexy for Twi-hards, E.L. James went and masterfully used the find/replace function and — voila! — created Fifty Shades of Grey! (For more on the history of how Master of the Universe became “Fitty Shades” check out Jason Boog’s excellent article on Galleycat )

So here’s a thought. We could have saved a crap ton of money and time and science and just slapped up a picture of that muppet-turned-heartthrob, Robert Pattinson and called it a day. After all, isn’t that who Snowqu– whoops…sorry — who E.L. James had in mind all along?

But instead we had to go and waste precious Science. We had to put aside time and interview a dozen women and ask them important questions such as “What shape are his eyes?” and “Whose pecs does he have?”

And isn’t that what science is really about? Finding out what imaginary characters look like? I mean, who needs a cure for leukemia. Let’s turn our attention instead to finding out the probability that Carmen Sandiego is in Guadalajara instead of Tokyo. Who needs advancements in space travel when we are better off using valuable resources to help determine how many midichlorians it takes to infuse a Padawan with The Force.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to go start up a Kickstarter campaign to fund a research project on determining whether Mary Jane Watson or Gwen Stacy is better in bed. For Science!

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